loredump o3 — Kaoru (FFXIV)
Feb. 6th, 2020 08:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
paintedfoothillsloredump 101
—
02.12.2019
“The only reason anyone would talk to a corpse of all things is because they were that lonely.”
“Be quiet.”
“Your mother and father never paid you much attention, did they? So you wandered here and there...”
Kaoru`s eyes widen. Just how much of his heart did Fray see?
When they communed, he felt something crawl inside his chest and cloud his lungs. The heavy weight remained, constricting around his heart until it was fit to burst.
You`re unfair, so unfair. You`ve invited yourself inside and made yourself at home in my misery.
“And now you seek companionship from anything, anyone, that extends a hand to you.” He says this so bluntly, because Kaoru knows. Fray knows that Kaoru knows, and is running away from it every chance he gets. “Even a hand that emerged from the depths of hell."
Kaoru says nothing as his grief is gorged upon like a deserted man desperately grasping for water, drowning himself in a murky darkness.
“Are you that lonely? That you would seek the embrace of a corpse?”
“Shut up!”
He screams, and the darkness rises. Jagged teeth shred through the ground and scrape at the metal of Fray`s leg, a burning desire to devour him whole and swallow him deep inside his belly.
“! I...I`m sorry.” He shakes his head and looks down.
“Sorry. Sorry?!” Fray laughs. “Why on earth would you be sorry?”
02.24.2019
“So, what would happen if I let you take the reins, huh?” Kaoru props himself up, digging his elbows into Fray`s lap.
“Exactly what it says on the tin. You take a little rest, and I handle everything.”
“OK,” he chirps back almost instantly. “That sounds good to me.”
“...Are you so sure about that?” Always the contrarian, the negative Nancy. Well someone around here had to be. Without Fray, Kaoru would certainly fall headfirst into his optimism. “What if I never gave it back?”
“You wouldn`t do that.”
He was so sure of that - Fray could feel it. The bonus of sharing a sense of feelings, he could tell Kaoru trusted him completely.
Instead of replying, always with his witty ways, always having the right answer, he is silent for a beat.
“Then let us give it a try, shall we?”
[this is the part where I write Fray hanging out in the world instead of Kaoru]
[Comes back to their little dream pocket to see kaoru and wake him up]
He`s waking up. Fray can feel his grip loosening on Kaoru`s - their - body. Still lost to the aetherial sea, dreaming beautiful dreams, Kaoru stirs in Fray`s arms.
He leans down, curiously. In this one instance, they are apart, if only for a moment. He wonders what Kaoru has been dreaming. His lips hover curiously near Kaoru’s forehead, imagining that the contact might show him a glimpse.
Glimmering amber floods his vision as something touches his lips.
“I was just pretending.” Kaoru giggles, a whisper against Fray’s lips. “Looks like I pulled the wool over your eyes for once.”
Fray says nothing and shakes his head, but he can`t hide the blossoming smile on his face. “And how long were you planning that, huh? I bet you`ve just been dying to do it.”
They continue to banter as though the other is annoying them, yet refuse to move even a millimeter from their lips brushing against one another. Fray kisses him back, because unlike Kaoru, he does not feel the need to dress up his needs and wants in pretty excuses.
“Hm~m.” Kaoru becomes quickly distracted instead of answering his question. “You bite your lips a lot.”
“So do you.”
His fingers, gloveless only for this moment, touch Kaoru`s lips. Fray winces sympathetically. Kaoru didn’t cry - he bit instead. He tore skin, he ripped it off, catharsis through pain. It felt better when he pulled back and tasted his blood, tossing away the dead skin and shedding it like another layer of grief. Shedding, shedding, but it was never enough—
Ah.
Too deep. Too deep.
Fray took a deep breath to center himself once more but was thrown off by Kaoru`s rough fingertips touching his mouth.
“What are you doing…?”
“I just don`t get to see you this way that often, that`s all.” Kaoru traces Fray`s lower lip. “It`s nice.”
“I`m glad you think so.”
“You look a lot like me...is that because of the whole, you know…?”
“Actually, it isn`t. This is what Fray looked like.”
“Huh,” Kaoru chuckles mirthfully. “It`s almost too ironic.”
03.16.2019
As he stood on the docks of Kugane, the churning waters below made his head spin.
“What do you mean you can’t swim?” Asha’s pointed face seemed disgusted, as always.
“Forgive me, mistress,” her maidservant hurriedly interjected, “we haven’t gotten to that lesson yet...”
“It doesn’t matter.” Asha picked Kaoru up by his armpits, cradling him gently for a moment. Kaoru’s eyes lit up for a transient moment, as his mother would rarely deign to hold him.
“This is the best way to learn, after all.”
Like throwing an apple core onto the floor, he was cast into the river.
“Oi lad, are ye in or out? Yer turning greener 'an a seasick morbol.” A voice pulls him back to earth. “Sure ‘bout this?”
He looks back at the manor in the distance, framed by a scarlet sunset.
“I’m sure.”
The first hour spent in his cabin wasn’t so bad.
As they climbed through the salty sea and her wicked ways, however, Kaoru was soon losing the contents of his stomach despite having nothing left.
You think this is hard?
“Shut up.” He says audibly, even though no one was talking, wiping the bile from the back of his mouth. “I can do this.”
He steels himself to ascend to the bow.
“What’s a little lordling like you doing with us anyroad, ah?” The pirate from earlier takes notice of him, just a speck of a boy among men. “You haven’t even got your sea legs.”
“Actually, I can’t swim.” Kaoru admits nonchalantly as the pirate guffaws.
“Then what in seven hells are ye doin on a boat to Eorzea then!? What’ll ye do if ye fall o’er?”
“I’d rather die than stay there.” Kaoru responds plainly, and the salty sea pirate is stunned by such frankness from a fifteen year old.
“Aye, well, I can respect ye for that.” He answers, gently elbowing the young man, but Kaoru expression doesn’t let up. It doesn’t seem to phase him either way, so much so it’s...unsettling.
“‘ere, I’ll show ye a tip,” he quickly changes the subject, “before you lose what’s left of your lunch.”
“I lost what was left hours ago.” Kaoru laughs, and that sprightly spirit seems to be back again after a dark flash in the night.
He watches as the sea pirate shows him a fixed point on the horizon for him to plant his eyes on.
[fast forward to his first rogue mission]
A sharp intake of breath passes his lips as he ducks behind the door. A sentry had seen just a hair of him, but hopefully he would take it for a trick of the shadows.
“Keep it down.” Jacke murmurs. “Fixin to be caught by these culls?”
Kaoru merely shakes his head, trying to hide the fact that he’s shaking. This was his first real mission outside of his basic training.
The rogues had welcomed him into the fold well enough thanks to his general all around prowess. But he wasn’t as knowledgeable in the field of actually stabbing people quite yet.
“Oi Kaoru, behind you.” Jacke hissed as he deflects a knife headed right for Kaoru`s neck. His pulse thrums like a keening alarm and Kaoru is aware that, were his leader one second slower, he would be dead on the floor.
Do you think this is hard? It only gets harder.
The voice echoes and his chest feels like a vice grip. He clenches his teeth and mutters angrily.
“I’ll show you what I can do!”
04.21.2019
“That was awful,” Fray sighs, face planting directly into Kaoru’s bed. “I don’t know how you do it, putting up with everyone’s incessant whining…”
“I can`t help it,” Kaoru smiles and ruffles his hair for being such a good soldier. Walking a day in the life of the warrior of light and trying to be the “good” parts of him was a herculean task. “I want to do what I can for people but I`m not going to lie, it does suck.”
“I wish I could be more like you,” Fray admits quietly more to the comforter than to Kaoru`s face. “The compassion to always step up and be the hero…”
There`s a moment of silence before Kaoru bursts into laughter, and Fray looks at him in confusion.
“See, the funny thing is...well, I wish I was more like you!” Kaoru slides down beside him and gazes at the bottom of the top bunk, covered in glowing stars.
“I wish I could tell people no. I wish I could be honest more often when I really don`t feel like it.”
Fray silently folds their hands together by way of showing understanding.
We`re the same, you and I. And yet...we`re different people.
04.23.2019
“I get it,” Kaoru gasps, wiping the blood from his lip. “You keep me around because I remind you of your dead friend. I`ve known it since I was born, alright? You don`t need to remind me I`m the kid nobody ever wanted in this world — unless he was of use to someone!”
“You absolute bleeding idiot— ” Sid raises his fist again only for Rielle to push her way past him.
“Stop it already!”
05.12.2019
Yugiri sighs, wishing the lone voice of reason among the scions were here. But she, perhaps more than the others, realized just how badly Auguste needed to leave the battlefield to be with his beloved.
“I still think you should consult with Tataru before agreeing to a price.” She tries to insist, but Alphinaud`s hand continues to sign the paper.
“It`s alright, I`ve got it.” Another voice cuts in, plucking the contract up from the desk and carelessly tearing it in half.
“What on earth are you doing?!” The color drained from the shopkeep`s face at the temerity of this stranger.
“Just put it on a tab for me.” The boy winks before continuing on in Hingan, leaving Alphinaud tilting his head in awe. “I`m sure you`re familiar with the Lightheart family.”
“And just what makes you think I`m going to— wait a minute...it can`t be!?” The man squints at the boy`s face, and the latter takes a moment to preen.
“If you`re going to stare you should get my good side. Which, is all sides.” Kaoru bursts into laughter. “Just between me and you though, don`t tell the folks I`m in town, will ya?”
“O-of course, young master, but are you quite sure? I`m certain your parents would be delighted to know you have returned.”
“...you really don`t talk to them much, do you?”
“What are they talking about?” Alphinaud needles Yugiri, unable to handle being left out of the loop for once.
“Never you mind, young man.”
05.16.2019 (nsfw)
Fray grabs for his skirt and rips it at the seam. Kaoru is torn between marveling at his strength to tear leather and the unfathomable implications of exposing his underwear to the whole of Ishgard. Or at least, anyone who would round this particular corner.
“But...someone could see,” Kaoru`s voice is hoarse, a weak attempt at making any sort of excuse.
“I know,” Fray laughs low in his ear, making him shudder. “That`s why we`re here.” He licks at the shell of his ear. “After all, you had a dream just like this, didn`t you? I would know.”
Given how much he`d been targeting a weak spot, he knew far more than perhaps even Kaoru did about himself.
“In front of anyone and everyone who would happen to be taking their leisurely evening stroll through Ishgard, lo and behold, they`d find the warrior of light being completely debauched.” Fray wedges a knee between exposed thighs, sharp pauldron fingertips knicking the paltry seams of his underwear. “By the very man, the very mentor he`d been idolizing since the moment he lay eyes on him? Before you could even see my face —”
“Alright!” Kaoru gasps. Fray knows him, Fray knows his heart more than anyone. And Kaoru knows that look in sharp yellow eyes that he isn`t giving any mercy until Kaoru gives in to his darkside. To give in to the desire he`d been holding back for so long.
“It`s not a bad thing to want. I know that`s why you`re holding back.” Kaoru grows dizzy as warm breath teases chilly skin. “It`s okay to want what you want. I’m giving you my permission.”
Kaoru notices an absence of weight between his legs and opens his eyes to see that Fray has knelt down before him. A gesture of fealty, devotion, and love, of that he`s certain. But also renders him just about eye level with his unmistakable hard on.
“Fray,” Kaoru whines, all sensible words leaving him. He manages a nod, he manages a “yes” so that Fray knows he wants this too. Despite Fray having the advantage of knowing this full well, he still asked.
And to Kaoru, that meant the world.
05.16.2019 (p5 au)
“Is he on another date with that third year from the archery club?” Auguste sighs, noting Kaoru`s absence at lunch once more.
“Probably.” Fray was more occupied by the plethora of snacks Rielle had laid out for him. She tried to give him healthy food as much as possible, but he managed to sneak in a few requests for candies. After all, limited edition snacks were much more important than what boy Kaoru was chasing today, and the human world had such a fascination with strange flavors.
“Hm~m.” Perci looks over Fray who is rather engrossed in a new flavor of potato chips. “You`re not...jealous are you?”
“Me?” A chip gets lodged in his throat and Auguste gently pats his back to dislodge the murderous morsel. “You`ve got to be kidding.”
“I mean,” Perci holds his hands up in front of his chest like cat`s paws. “He`s your master after all, right?”
“Perci,” Auguste nudges him in the ribs. He had half a mind to believe Fray was about to unleash one of the roundhouse kicks he loved showing off in Mementos.
“I`m just saying the lad doth protest too much okay? I know jealousy when I see it.”
“I`m not jealous,” Fray continues nonchalantly, fascinated by the ingredients in this limited summer time only flavor. Yes yes, we should get more of these shouldn`t we Rielle? Such a topic is much more entertaining than stupid boys.
Rather, a certain stupid boy.
06.20.2019
Kaoru bit his lower lip, tilting the angle of the paper a full 90 degrees. His right hand trembled, and the perfect line that was supposed to finish off the character for “tree” blotted out entirely and became a big circle instead.
He clicks his tongue, sighing with defeat as he rest his hand upon his cheek. He didn`t get it, what was so wrong about writing with his left hand? His eyes dart from the clock on the wall that was barely close to noon, onto the extravagant mirror reflecting his bored look and an ostentatious black splotch all over his left cheek.
He yelps, scrambling to his feet and into the washroom. If his mother caught him with stains all over his face, he would never hear the end of it. She was always rubbing at his skin with funny smelling creams, complaining whenever another freckle would appear. When he was just a child of seven summers, he complained because she had them too, and received a punishment fit to never mention it again.
He wanders through the side of the house the study was on - the more traditional side. His mother rarely came over here, content to stay on her side, where the laquered wood was covered in brilliant rugs from distant lands. Despite being on the same side of the house as his father, Kaoru rarely got the chance to see his face. Instead, he looks curiously through the threshold at the shadow cast against the brilliantly coloured wall.
The shadow moves its arms and what follows is the watery rustling of calligraphy papers and the slide of ink across them. The shadow moves, and the real world bends to his will.
He makes it look so easy. Kaoru`s father made everything look easy.
Kaoru wants to peek inside, call out to the shadow on the wall, but knows a punishment is waiting if he was caught shirking his responsibilities.
Kaoru thinks nothing of it; he’s gotten used to it. A child’s mind doesn’t bother with those things until much later, looking back through bloody rose colored glasses. He worries more about the ink on his cheek, slowly climbing up the step stool to reach the extravagant marble counters. Kaoru lathers up his face, gazing forlornly at the spots that won`t leave his cheeks. Would his mother be happier if he didn`t have them?
He frowns and takes the cloth out of his left hand and swaps it to his right. The more he develops the habit, the less he`ll be yelled at.
A faint tapping on the glass of the window alerts him, jumping five feet in the air and nearly falling into the toilet. What he thought was a nosy maid turned out to be a tiny shadow, twitching it`s ears at Kaoru before turning on it`s hind legs and leaping away.
In a split moment, he has to make a decision. Would he go back, back into the shadows? Or would he reach his hand out, crawl through the window, and into the sunlight. Before he knows it, he`s wedged his small body through the wide frame, following the flicker of its tail. The thrill of running outside without his shoes on, a few stray splotches of ink still smeared over his cheek, makes him forget that he`s as good as dead should he get caught.
Kaoru feels something warm and wet on his cheek. The ink had dried long ago, so what was it? He looks up in the sunny sky spotted with thin clouds to find that it began raining. He can`t afford to go back home in wet clothes or he`d be found out right away, so he hurriedly ducks into the nearest place.
A shrine.
The colorful rope dangling overhead beckons to be pulled, and Kaoru earns himself an obnoxious clanking in return. He looks this way and that, wondering if his cover has been blown. Thankfully, the shrine is as deserted as it was before. He remembers, vaguely, something about clapping your hands together and praying.
But he wasn`t quite sure how to pray.
He knows some people use it to ask for things, but he hates doing that.
Some people say “thank you” but again, he comes up with nothing.
He sighs, and tries to think of something, anything—
grow~l
Oh, right. He`d snuck out right before lunch. If he didn`t get back soon, the maids would find he wasn`t in the study anymore!
He turns on his heel only to nearly trip over the little fox who has decided to grace him with his appearance once more. Kaoru swears he can hear what sounds like laughter as the kit hops onto the offering box and up to the ledge. Little fangs nibble at a plate of goods that Kaoru can`t see unless he climbs up as well.
He was probably disrespecting at least five kami by doing so, but the reward was worth it. The plate was full of inarizushi, leaving Kaoru drooling. Aburaage was his favourite, and nobody was here but him and this little fox. It would be okay to eat just one, right?
Just one.
Kaoru looks down to find an empty plate and rice grains on his fingers.
“Oh.”
He shares a glance with the fox kit before throwing his head back and laughing, the gentle sound of rain lingering through the sunshine pitter pattering against the shrine gates.
Kaoru hops down from his perch to ring the bell again, clapping his hands together.
Thank you for the meal!
✽✽✽
“I still can’t believe you ate the offering,” Fray scoffs and Kaoru gently elbows him. “Hey, when you’re hungry, you do what you gotta do!”
Fray mumbles something about not shoving him while he`s this close to their set of knives, drying the dishes from their breakfast.
Their new house in Shirogane was, thankfully, far away from any shrines for Kaoru to steal more inarizushi from. A cool breeze rolls in off a coast so clear that the sky and land kiss to make a perfect blue.
As of yet, Kaoru had not completely destroyed the interior as they unpacked their modest belongings, going wild with his ideas for what the kitchen should look like. For now, there were merely simple white curtains ruffling from the ocean breeze. Kaoru looks fondly beyond those curtains through their freshly painted window..
And that`s when he notices the rain.
“Hey, wait a minute!”
Fray half heartedly attempts to resist Kaoru`s insistent tugging until the both of them are basking in the sunlight, fresh droplets coating their hair. He laughs and watches as Fray`s clothes become soaked through, delighting in the rich blue of the new hakama they`d gotten from the market. The rain made his hair look even darker, golden eyes glowing even brighter in the sunshine.
“Do you know what a sunshower means?” Kaoru asks, so quietly his voice is nearly drowned out in the rain.
Of course Fray knows. It`s a memory they share.
But he tilts his head to the side regardless, a bemused smirk on his face at the twinkle Kaoru has in his eyes whenever he thinks of something clever.
Kaoru folds their hands together, smiling as the young fox kit weaves his way between their legs, curling his tail affectionately around Fray`s.
“It means the fox has chosen their spouse.”
06.21.2019 (written with poem blurbs taken from Richard Siken bot)
Your body told me in a dream it’s never been afraid of anything.
Not afraid of the blood in your mouth, inflicted by the ones who were supposed to love you. Storming the front lines because what do you have to lose? You`re no one in this world.
If I could write the book of your life, it would go something like this.
Yes, your greatest weapon is yourself. No one could ever dream of standing against you.
Will you defend yourself?
From me, I mean
But I must go to war with you.
I grip you with hands that are finally my own, to paint a picture for you.
You’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to
choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling,
Perhaps I overestimated myself.
I said “kiss me here”
Over broken bones
“and here”
endless scars
“and here”
Cracked, bloodied lips split from punches and torn by worry.
And you did.
07.05.2019 (vague DRK 80 quest spoilers)
“There you go again,” a voice echoes in his head, just like old times. “Running about hither and thither all because people asked you to.”
“I did it because I wanted answers. For me.” Kaoru replies pointedly — aloud, even though he didn`t have to. It was an indication he wanted to talk face to face, and when he looked over his left shoulder, there he was standing, sword planted firmly into the snow covered ground, just a hairs breadth away from the lily that Kaoru had placed in the snow.
“And so? Did you find a suitable one?”
Instead of answering, Kaoru takes a moment of pause.
“I didn`t remember half of the conversations they mentioned....” Chalking it up to bad memory, perhaps, or to the weeks spent in a manic fever dream, running all around Ishgard and carving up the ne’er do wellers just as Fray had instructed him.
“One of us has to. That’s why I kept reminding you why you were there.” Why we were there, he is wont to say, but he was the one doing the directing with Kaoru none the wiser at the time.
“Funny, she said that I was the one doing the shouting…”
“Oh, I never told you?” Fray smiles wryly. “Well now you know.”
“Nearly three years later — !”
He doesn`t kick up a fuss in respect for the moment they were trying to have, kneeling down beside the flower that he lay in the snow. A flower that was meant for someone who had given him an irreplacable gift.
“...That’s what he meant to me. As for you, well, only you know.”
Even though his Fray was not quite the one that had come before him. His will, his spirit, continued to live in the man that stood beside him. One part from the mentor that had come before him, and one part from Kaoru, a warrior wearing the same carefree smile, despite saving the entire world from collapsing in on itself yet again.
That`s just how fate works sometimes.
“You just had to get into it again. The warrior of light, the weapon of light...then turned warden of light.” Fray reaches out to brush aside Kaoru’s bangs, pushing away hair that had lightened to near translucency, frowning as he places a kiss against Kaoru`s temple.
“Ryne said it would grow back normally.” He offers a taste of levity, avoiding the far more important interjection.
“Sometimes I feel like it`s going to take you a lifetime.”
“Hair grows back in a few months.”
“Not that,” Fray kneels down beside the flower, petals stirring in the mid afternoon breeze. “A lifetime for you to realize.”
“Realize what? I`ll never understand if you keep speaking in riddles.”
Fray shakes his head.
“If the light were to kill you, I would have done it before it had the chance.”
07.14.2019
Kaoru had been resting all day in preparation for the evening. Saving up his energy and aether so Fray could walk around freely at the festival.
Resting as much as one could force him to, at least. He would much rather wander about but Auguste had kept him entertained with a simple cookbook he`d found around Kogane-dori. Even though Fray was wont to read over his shoulder, Kaoru ordered him to take complete bed rest within his soul.
When the clock hit five bells past noon, the magic hour felt like a Cinderella spell was cast over him. A form rose from his shadow at the foot of the bed, taking shape into the familiar face he knew so well.
“Good morning beautiful,” Kaoru kissed the tip of Fray’s nose as the latter`s eyes slowly fluttered open, adjusting to the light of the real world. He stretched as though waking from a nap, smiling back at Kaoru before comfortably wrapping his arms around him.
They liked to cuddle the first moments Fray would venture into the world to help him adjust to the sensations. The pleasant, warm feeling on their skin as they nuzzled, the sweet sound of Kaoru laughing in his ear as Fray used his hands to feel around Kaoru’s form.
The sharp ridge of his hip, counting up his ribs and up to his soft lips where he would place a kiss.
“Now we just need to give you a change of clothes…Alright,” Kaoru chirped excitedly against Fray’s mouth, “let`s get you changed!” He hopped from the bed, wiggling out of his pajama top and bottoms in record time.
“What`s wrong with this?” Fray groused, looking down at his usual garb. Gold plated armor and fine blue dyed leather, comfortable and impervious to most forms of attack.
“Well uh, full armor isn`t what you would usually wear to a festival…”
Fray`s golden eyes narrowed as he considered his options. He could be stubborn, a viable solution, but it was clear that Kaoru was very excited for this to go a certain way.
The things we do for love, Fray thinks to himself as he sighs in resignation.
“C`mon, cheer up Fray!” Kaoru prods gently at his face, turning up the corners of his lips into a comically terrifying makeshift smile. “Don`t scowl like that.”
“I`m not scowling,” Fray scowled, begrudgingly allowing Kaoru to ferry him into the other room where a yukata lay on the bed.
“But before we go..." Fray bites his lip before extending his hand, showing off a pristinely wrapped package. I wanted to give you something.”
“Oh!” Kaoru smiles, handing him one back. “Looks like we had the same idea.”
The two open their gifts in tandem and peer inside.
“It`s…”
“...the same thing!” Kaoru bursts into laughter.
→ loredump o4 (Kaoru part 2)
Regarding Kaoru, he originally was written with pre-existing lore from another game that was refitted for XIV. In February 2019, I decided to throw out his old development and start him from scratch solely in the XIV universe, which happened to be when I started the DRK questline.
And that's how I became a fraywol fucker.—
02.12.2019
“The only reason anyone would talk to a corpse of all things is because they were that lonely.”
“Be quiet.”
“Your mother and father never paid you much attention, did they? So you wandered here and there...”
Kaoru`s eyes widen. Just how much of his heart did Fray see?
When they communed, he felt something crawl inside his chest and cloud his lungs. The heavy weight remained, constricting around his heart until it was fit to burst.
You`re unfair, so unfair. You`ve invited yourself inside and made yourself at home in my misery.
“And now you seek companionship from anything, anyone, that extends a hand to you.” He says this so bluntly, because Kaoru knows. Fray knows that Kaoru knows, and is running away from it every chance he gets. “Even a hand that emerged from the depths of hell."
Kaoru says nothing as his grief is gorged upon like a deserted man desperately grasping for water, drowning himself in a murky darkness.
“Are you that lonely? That you would seek the embrace of a corpse?”
“Shut up!”
He screams, and the darkness rises. Jagged teeth shred through the ground and scrape at the metal of Fray`s leg, a burning desire to devour him whole and swallow him deep inside his belly.
“! I...I`m sorry.” He shakes his head and looks down.
“Sorry. Sorry?!” Fray laughs. “Why on earth would you be sorry?”
02.24.2019
“So, what would happen if I let you take the reins, huh?” Kaoru props himself up, digging his elbows into Fray`s lap.
“Exactly what it says on the tin. You take a little rest, and I handle everything.”
“OK,” he chirps back almost instantly. “That sounds good to me.”
“...Are you so sure about that?” Always the contrarian, the negative Nancy. Well someone around here had to be. Without Fray, Kaoru would certainly fall headfirst into his optimism. “What if I never gave it back?”
“You wouldn`t do that.”
He was so sure of that - Fray could feel it. The bonus of sharing a sense of feelings, he could tell Kaoru trusted him completely.
Instead of replying, always with his witty ways, always having the right answer, he is silent for a beat.
“Then let us give it a try, shall we?”
[this is the part where I write Fray hanging out in the world instead of Kaoru]
[Comes back to their little dream pocket to see kaoru and wake him up]
He`s waking up. Fray can feel his grip loosening on Kaoru`s - their - body. Still lost to the aetherial sea, dreaming beautiful dreams, Kaoru stirs in Fray`s arms.
He leans down, curiously. In this one instance, they are apart, if only for a moment. He wonders what Kaoru has been dreaming. His lips hover curiously near Kaoru’s forehead, imagining that the contact might show him a glimpse.
Glimmering amber floods his vision as something touches his lips.
“I was just pretending.” Kaoru giggles, a whisper against Fray’s lips. “Looks like I pulled the wool over your eyes for once.”
Fray says nothing and shakes his head, but he can`t hide the blossoming smile on his face. “And how long were you planning that, huh? I bet you`ve just been dying to do it.”
They continue to banter as though the other is annoying them, yet refuse to move even a millimeter from their lips brushing against one another. Fray kisses him back, because unlike Kaoru, he does not feel the need to dress up his needs and wants in pretty excuses.
“Hm~m.” Kaoru becomes quickly distracted instead of answering his question. “You bite your lips a lot.”
“So do you.”
His fingers, gloveless only for this moment, touch Kaoru`s lips. Fray winces sympathetically. Kaoru didn’t cry - he bit instead. He tore skin, he ripped it off, catharsis through pain. It felt better when he pulled back and tasted his blood, tossing away the dead skin and shedding it like another layer of grief. Shedding, shedding, but it was never enough—
Ah.
Too deep. Too deep.
Fray took a deep breath to center himself once more but was thrown off by Kaoru`s rough fingertips touching his mouth.
“What are you doing…?”
“I just don`t get to see you this way that often, that`s all.” Kaoru traces Fray`s lower lip. “It`s nice.”
“I`m glad you think so.”
“You look a lot like me...is that because of the whole, you know…?”
“Actually, it isn`t. This is what Fray looked like.”
“Huh,” Kaoru chuckles mirthfully. “It`s almost too ironic.”
03.16.2019
As he stood on the docks of Kugane, the churning waters below made his head spin.
“What do you mean you can’t swim?” Asha’s pointed face seemed disgusted, as always.
“Forgive me, mistress,” her maidservant hurriedly interjected, “we haven’t gotten to that lesson yet...”
“It doesn’t matter.” Asha picked Kaoru up by his armpits, cradling him gently for a moment. Kaoru’s eyes lit up for a transient moment, as his mother would rarely deign to hold him.
“This is the best way to learn, after all.”
Like throwing an apple core onto the floor, he was cast into the river.
“Oi lad, are ye in or out? Yer turning greener 'an a seasick morbol.” A voice pulls him back to earth. “Sure ‘bout this?”
He looks back at the manor in the distance, framed by a scarlet sunset.
“I’m sure.”
The first hour spent in his cabin wasn’t so bad.
As they climbed through the salty sea and her wicked ways, however, Kaoru was soon losing the contents of his stomach despite having nothing left.
You think this is hard?
“Shut up.” He says audibly, even though no one was talking, wiping the bile from the back of his mouth. “I can do this.”
He steels himself to ascend to the bow.
“What’s a little lordling like you doing with us anyroad, ah?” The pirate from earlier takes notice of him, just a speck of a boy among men. “You haven’t even got your sea legs.”
“Actually, I can’t swim.” Kaoru admits nonchalantly as the pirate guffaws.
“Then what in seven hells are ye doin on a boat to Eorzea then!? What’ll ye do if ye fall o’er?”
“I’d rather die than stay there.” Kaoru responds plainly, and the salty sea pirate is stunned by such frankness from a fifteen year old.
“Aye, well, I can respect ye for that.” He answers, gently elbowing the young man, but Kaoru expression doesn’t let up. It doesn’t seem to phase him either way, so much so it’s...unsettling.
“‘ere, I’ll show ye a tip,” he quickly changes the subject, “before you lose what’s left of your lunch.”
“I lost what was left hours ago.” Kaoru laughs, and that sprightly spirit seems to be back again after a dark flash in the night.
He watches as the sea pirate shows him a fixed point on the horizon for him to plant his eyes on.
[fast forward to his first rogue mission]
A sharp intake of breath passes his lips as he ducks behind the door. A sentry had seen just a hair of him, but hopefully he would take it for a trick of the shadows.
“Keep it down.” Jacke murmurs. “Fixin to be caught by these culls?”
Kaoru merely shakes his head, trying to hide the fact that he’s shaking. This was his first real mission outside of his basic training.
The rogues had welcomed him into the fold well enough thanks to his general all around prowess. But he wasn’t as knowledgeable in the field of actually stabbing people quite yet.
“Oi Kaoru, behind you.” Jacke hissed as he deflects a knife headed right for Kaoru`s neck. His pulse thrums like a keening alarm and Kaoru is aware that, were his leader one second slower, he would be dead on the floor.
Do you think this is hard? It only gets harder.
The voice echoes and his chest feels like a vice grip. He clenches his teeth and mutters angrily.
“I’ll show you what I can do!”
04.21.2019
“That was awful,” Fray sighs, face planting directly into Kaoru’s bed. “I don’t know how you do it, putting up with everyone’s incessant whining…”
“I can`t help it,” Kaoru smiles and ruffles his hair for being such a good soldier. Walking a day in the life of the warrior of light and trying to be the “good” parts of him was a herculean task. “I want to do what I can for people but I`m not going to lie, it does suck.”
“I wish I could be more like you,” Fray admits quietly more to the comforter than to Kaoru`s face. “The compassion to always step up and be the hero…”
There`s a moment of silence before Kaoru bursts into laughter, and Fray looks at him in confusion.
“See, the funny thing is...well, I wish I was more like you!” Kaoru slides down beside him and gazes at the bottom of the top bunk, covered in glowing stars.
“I wish I could tell people no. I wish I could be honest more often when I really don`t feel like it.”
Fray silently folds their hands together by way of showing understanding.
We`re the same, you and I. And yet...we`re different people.
04.23.2019
“I get it,” Kaoru gasps, wiping the blood from his lip. “You keep me around because I remind you of your dead friend. I`ve known it since I was born, alright? You don`t need to remind me I`m the kid nobody ever wanted in this world — unless he was of use to someone!”
“You absolute bleeding idiot— ” Sid raises his fist again only for Rielle to push her way past him.
“Stop it already!”
05.12.2019
Yugiri sighs, wishing the lone voice of reason among the scions were here. But she, perhaps more than the others, realized just how badly Auguste needed to leave the battlefield to be with his beloved.
“I still think you should consult with Tataru before agreeing to a price.” She tries to insist, but Alphinaud`s hand continues to sign the paper.
“It`s alright, I`ve got it.” Another voice cuts in, plucking the contract up from the desk and carelessly tearing it in half.
“What on earth are you doing?!” The color drained from the shopkeep`s face at the temerity of this stranger.
“Just put it on a tab for me.” The boy winks before continuing on in Hingan, leaving Alphinaud tilting his head in awe. “I`m sure you`re familiar with the Lightheart family.”
“And just what makes you think I`m going to— wait a minute...it can`t be!?” The man squints at the boy`s face, and the latter takes a moment to preen.
“If you`re going to stare you should get my good side. Which, is all sides.” Kaoru bursts into laughter. “Just between me and you though, don`t tell the folks I`m in town, will ya?”
“O-of course, young master, but are you quite sure? I`m certain your parents would be delighted to know you have returned.”
“...you really don`t talk to them much, do you?”
“What are they talking about?” Alphinaud needles Yugiri, unable to handle being left out of the loop for once.
“Never you mind, young man.”
05.16.2019 (nsfw)
Fray grabs for his skirt and rips it at the seam. Kaoru is torn between marveling at his strength to tear leather and the unfathomable implications of exposing his underwear to the whole of Ishgard. Or at least, anyone who would round this particular corner.
“But...someone could see,” Kaoru`s voice is hoarse, a weak attempt at making any sort of excuse.
“I know,” Fray laughs low in his ear, making him shudder. “That`s why we`re here.” He licks at the shell of his ear. “After all, you had a dream just like this, didn`t you? I would know.”
Given how much he`d been targeting a weak spot, he knew far more than perhaps even Kaoru did about himself.
“In front of anyone and everyone who would happen to be taking their leisurely evening stroll through Ishgard, lo and behold, they`d find the warrior of light being completely debauched.” Fray wedges a knee between exposed thighs, sharp pauldron fingertips knicking the paltry seams of his underwear. “By the very man, the very mentor he`d been idolizing since the moment he lay eyes on him? Before you could even see my face —”
“Alright!” Kaoru gasps. Fray knows him, Fray knows his heart more than anyone. And Kaoru knows that look in sharp yellow eyes that he isn`t giving any mercy until Kaoru gives in to his darkside. To give in to the desire he`d been holding back for so long.
“It`s not a bad thing to want. I know that`s why you`re holding back.” Kaoru grows dizzy as warm breath teases chilly skin. “It`s okay to want what you want. I’m giving you my permission.”
Kaoru notices an absence of weight between his legs and opens his eyes to see that Fray has knelt down before him. A gesture of fealty, devotion, and love, of that he`s certain. But also renders him just about eye level with his unmistakable hard on.
“Fray,” Kaoru whines, all sensible words leaving him. He manages a nod, he manages a “yes” so that Fray knows he wants this too. Despite Fray having the advantage of knowing this full well, he still asked.
And to Kaoru, that meant the world.
05.16.2019 (p5 au)
“Is he on another date with that third year from the archery club?” Auguste sighs, noting Kaoru`s absence at lunch once more.
“Probably.” Fray was more occupied by the plethora of snacks Rielle had laid out for him. She tried to give him healthy food as much as possible, but he managed to sneak in a few requests for candies. After all, limited edition snacks were much more important than what boy Kaoru was chasing today, and the human world had such a fascination with strange flavors.
“Hm~m.” Perci looks over Fray who is rather engrossed in a new flavor of potato chips. “You`re not...jealous are you?”
“Me?” A chip gets lodged in his throat and Auguste gently pats his back to dislodge the murderous morsel. “You`ve got to be kidding.”
“I mean,” Perci holds his hands up in front of his chest like cat`s paws. “He`s your master after all, right?”
“Perci,” Auguste nudges him in the ribs. He had half a mind to believe Fray was about to unleash one of the roundhouse kicks he loved showing off in Mementos.
“I`m just saying the lad doth protest too much okay? I know jealousy when I see it.”
“I`m not jealous,” Fray continues nonchalantly, fascinated by the ingredients in this limited summer time only flavor. Yes yes, we should get more of these shouldn`t we Rielle? Such a topic is much more entertaining than stupid boys.
Rather, a certain stupid boy.
06.20.2019
Kaoru bit his lower lip, tilting the angle of the paper a full 90 degrees. His right hand trembled, and the perfect line that was supposed to finish off the character for “tree” blotted out entirely and became a big circle instead.
He clicks his tongue, sighing with defeat as he rest his hand upon his cheek. He didn`t get it, what was so wrong about writing with his left hand? His eyes dart from the clock on the wall that was barely close to noon, onto the extravagant mirror reflecting his bored look and an ostentatious black splotch all over his left cheek.
He yelps, scrambling to his feet and into the washroom. If his mother caught him with stains all over his face, he would never hear the end of it. She was always rubbing at his skin with funny smelling creams, complaining whenever another freckle would appear. When he was just a child of seven summers, he complained because she had them too, and received a punishment fit to never mention it again.
He wanders through the side of the house the study was on - the more traditional side. His mother rarely came over here, content to stay on her side, where the laquered wood was covered in brilliant rugs from distant lands. Despite being on the same side of the house as his father, Kaoru rarely got the chance to see his face. Instead, he looks curiously through the threshold at the shadow cast against the brilliantly coloured wall.
The shadow moves its arms and what follows is the watery rustling of calligraphy papers and the slide of ink across them. The shadow moves, and the real world bends to his will.
He makes it look so easy. Kaoru`s father made everything look easy.
Kaoru wants to peek inside, call out to the shadow on the wall, but knows a punishment is waiting if he was caught shirking his responsibilities.
Kaoru thinks nothing of it; he’s gotten used to it. A child’s mind doesn’t bother with those things until much later, looking back through bloody rose colored glasses. He worries more about the ink on his cheek, slowly climbing up the step stool to reach the extravagant marble counters. Kaoru lathers up his face, gazing forlornly at the spots that won`t leave his cheeks. Would his mother be happier if he didn`t have them?
He frowns and takes the cloth out of his left hand and swaps it to his right. The more he develops the habit, the less he`ll be yelled at.
A faint tapping on the glass of the window alerts him, jumping five feet in the air and nearly falling into the toilet. What he thought was a nosy maid turned out to be a tiny shadow, twitching it`s ears at Kaoru before turning on it`s hind legs and leaping away.
In a split moment, he has to make a decision. Would he go back, back into the shadows? Or would he reach his hand out, crawl through the window, and into the sunlight. Before he knows it, he`s wedged his small body through the wide frame, following the flicker of its tail. The thrill of running outside without his shoes on, a few stray splotches of ink still smeared over his cheek, makes him forget that he`s as good as dead should he get caught.
Kaoru feels something warm and wet on his cheek. The ink had dried long ago, so what was it? He looks up in the sunny sky spotted with thin clouds to find that it began raining. He can`t afford to go back home in wet clothes or he`d be found out right away, so he hurriedly ducks into the nearest place.
A shrine.
The colorful rope dangling overhead beckons to be pulled, and Kaoru earns himself an obnoxious clanking in return. He looks this way and that, wondering if his cover has been blown. Thankfully, the shrine is as deserted as it was before. He remembers, vaguely, something about clapping your hands together and praying.
But he wasn`t quite sure how to pray.
He knows some people use it to ask for things, but he hates doing that.
Some people say “thank you” but again, he comes up with nothing.
He sighs, and tries to think of something, anything—
grow~l
Oh, right. He`d snuck out right before lunch. If he didn`t get back soon, the maids would find he wasn`t in the study anymore!
He turns on his heel only to nearly trip over the little fox who has decided to grace him with his appearance once more. Kaoru swears he can hear what sounds like laughter as the kit hops onto the offering box and up to the ledge. Little fangs nibble at a plate of goods that Kaoru can`t see unless he climbs up as well.
He was probably disrespecting at least five kami by doing so, but the reward was worth it. The plate was full of inarizushi, leaving Kaoru drooling. Aburaage was his favourite, and nobody was here but him and this little fox. It would be okay to eat just one, right?
Just one.
Kaoru looks down to find an empty plate and rice grains on his fingers.
“Oh.”
He shares a glance with the fox kit before throwing his head back and laughing, the gentle sound of rain lingering through the sunshine pitter pattering against the shrine gates.
Kaoru hops down from his perch to ring the bell again, clapping his hands together.
Thank you for the meal!
✽✽✽
“I still can’t believe you ate the offering,” Fray scoffs and Kaoru gently elbows him. “Hey, when you’re hungry, you do what you gotta do!”
Fray mumbles something about not shoving him while he`s this close to their set of knives, drying the dishes from their breakfast.
Their new house in Shirogane was, thankfully, far away from any shrines for Kaoru to steal more inarizushi from. A cool breeze rolls in off a coast so clear that the sky and land kiss to make a perfect blue.
As of yet, Kaoru had not completely destroyed the interior as they unpacked their modest belongings, going wild with his ideas for what the kitchen should look like. For now, there were merely simple white curtains ruffling from the ocean breeze. Kaoru looks fondly beyond those curtains through their freshly painted window..
And that`s when he notices the rain.
“Hey, wait a minute!”
Fray half heartedly attempts to resist Kaoru`s insistent tugging until the both of them are basking in the sunlight, fresh droplets coating their hair. He laughs and watches as Fray`s clothes become soaked through, delighting in the rich blue of the new hakama they`d gotten from the market. The rain made his hair look even darker, golden eyes glowing even brighter in the sunshine.
“Do you know what a sunshower means?” Kaoru asks, so quietly his voice is nearly drowned out in the rain.
Of course Fray knows. It`s a memory they share.
But he tilts his head to the side regardless, a bemused smirk on his face at the twinkle Kaoru has in his eyes whenever he thinks of something clever.
Kaoru folds their hands together, smiling as the young fox kit weaves his way between their legs, curling his tail affectionately around Fray`s.
“It means the fox has chosen their spouse.”
06.21.2019 (written with poem blurbs taken from Richard Siken bot)
Your body told me in a dream it’s never been afraid of anything.
Not afraid of the blood in your mouth, inflicted by the ones who were supposed to love you. Storming the front lines because what do you have to lose? You`re no one in this world.
If I could write the book of your life, it would go something like this.
He rises from the ashes again and again like the immortal phoenix. The flames lick at his body but he refuses, the voice inside clawing against the cage of bone, screaming until our voices bleed into one, chanting “rise again, do not let anyone take anything from you.
Not anymore.”
Yes, your greatest weapon is yourself. No one could ever dream of standing against you.
Will you defend yourself?
From me, I mean
But I must go to war with you.
I grip you with hands that are finally my own, to paint a picture for you.
You’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to
choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling,
Perhaps I overestimated myself.
I said “kiss me here”
Over broken bones
“and here”
endless scars
“and here”
Cracked, bloodied lips split from punches and torn by worry.
And you did.
07.05.2019 (vague DRK 80 quest spoilers)
“There you go again,” a voice echoes in his head, just like old times. “Running about hither and thither all because people asked you to.”
“I did it because I wanted answers. For me.” Kaoru replies pointedly — aloud, even though he didn`t have to. It was an indication he wanted to talk face to face, and when he looked over his left shoulder, there he was standing, sword planted firmly into the snow covered ground, just a hairs breadth away from the lily that Kaoru had placed in the snow.
“And so? Did you find a suitable one?”
Instead of answering, Kaoru takes a moment of pause.
“I didn`t remember half of the conversations they mentioned....” Chalking it up to bad memory, perhaps, or to the weeks spent in a manic fever dream, running all around Ishgard and carving up the ne’er do wellers just as Fray had instructed him.
“One of us has to. That’s why I kept reminding you why you were there.” Why we were there, he is wont to say, but he was the one doing the directing with Kaoru none the wiser at the time.
“Funny, she said that I was the one doing the shouting…”
“Oh, I never told you?” Fray smiles wryly. “Well now you know.”
“Nearly three years later — !”
He doesn`t kick up a fuss in respect for the moment they were trying to have, kneeling down beside the flower that he lay in the snow. A flower that was meant for someone who had given him an irreplacable gift.
“...That’s what he meant to me. As for you, well, only you know.”
Even though his Fray was not quite the one that had come before him. His will, his spirit, continued to live in the man that stood beside him. One part from the mentor that had come before him, and one part from Kaoru, a warrior wearing the same carefree smile, despite saving the entire world from collapsing in on itself yet again.
That`s just how fate works sometimes.
“You just had to get into it again. The warrior of light, the weapon of light...then turned warden of light.” Fray reaches out to brush aside Kaoru’s bangs, pushing away hair that had lightened to near translucency, frowning as he places a kiss against Kaoru`s temple.
“Ryne said it would grow back normally.” He offers a taste of levity, avoiding the far more important interjection.
“Sometimes I feel like it`s going to take you a lifetime.”
“Hair grows back in a few months.”
“Not that,” Fray kneels down beside the flower, petals stirring in the mid afternoon breeze. “A lifetime for you to realize.”
“Realize what? I`ll never understand if you keep speaking in riddles.”
Fray shakes his head.
“If the light were to kill you, I would have done it before it had the chance.”
07.14.2019
Kaoru had been resting all day in preparation for the evening. Saving up his energy and aether so Fray could walk around freely at the festival.
Resting as much as one could force him to, at least. He would much rather wander about but Auguste had kept him entertained with a simple cookbook he`d found around Kogane-dori. Even though Fray was wont to read over his shoulder, Kaoru ordered him to take complete bed rest within his soul.
When the clock hit five bells past noon, the magic hour felt like a Cinderella spell was cast over him. A form rose from his shadow at the foot of the bed, taking shape into the familiar face he knew so well.
“Good morning beautiful,” Kaoru kissed the tip of Fray’s nose as the latter`s eyes slowly fluttered open, adjusting to the light of the real world. He stretched as though waking from a nap, smiling back at Kaoru before comfortably wrapping his arms around him.
They liked to cuddle the first moments Fray would venture into the world to help him adjust to the sensations. The pleasant, warm feeling on their skin as they nuzzled, the sweet sound of Kaoru laughing in his ear as Fray used his hands to feel around Kaoru’s form.
The sharp ridge of his hip, counting up his ribs and up to his soft lips where he would place a kiss.
“Now we just need to give you a change of clothes…Alright,” Kaoru chirped excitedly against Fray’s mouth, “let`s get you changed!” He hopped from the bed, wiggling out of his pajama top and bottoms in record time.
“What`s wrong with this?” Fray groused, looking down at his usual garb. Gold plated armor and fine blue dyed leather, comfortable and impervious to most forms of attack.
“Well uh, full armor isn`t what you would usually wear to a festival…”
Fray`s golden eyes narrowed as he considered his options. He could be stubborn, a viable solution, but it was clear that Kaoru was very excited for this to go a certain way.
The things we do for love, Fray thinks to himself as he sighs in resignation.
“C`mon, cheer up Fray!” Kaoru prods gently at his face, turning up the corners of his lips into a comically terrifying makeshift smile. “Don`t scowl like that.”
“I`m not scowling,” Fray scowled, begrudgingly allowing Kaoru to ferry him into the other room where a yukata lay on the bed.
“But before we go..." Fray bites his lip before extending his hand, showing off a pristinely wrapped package. I wanted to give you something.”
“Oh!” Kaoru smiles, handing him one back. “Looks like we had the same idea.”
The two open their gifts in tandem and peer inside.
“It`s…”
“...the same thing!” Kaoru bursts into laughter.
→ loredump o4 (Kaoru part 2)
